Kendallkasey's Blog

{August 10, 2010}   First Massage Client Ever

I’ll never forget the very first client I massaged, but I wish I could. If I didn’t have so much time and money invested in my massage education I would have walked out before I even touched the crazy woman who walked into the office that day. I was all by myself on a Saturday without a receptionist, the other massage therapist I worked with, or the chiropractor I worked for. I arrived twenty minutes before her scheduled appointment because I was ready to finally start my career!

I waited behind our front desk, and waited, and waited. Fifteen minutes into her scheduled time I heard a rumble and looked out the picture window just in time to see my client fly into our parking lot driving a van too big for her tiny body; she could barely see over the steering wheel. She climbed out of the driver’s seat like she was on a ladder. The door was blocking most of her body, leaving only her right foot in sight as it searched for the ground below; it made contact and then the left one followed. I was able to get a better look at her while she walked across the front of the van to the passenger side. I’d never seen anyone look so sloppy, her clothes hanging off of her thin body and stringy hair hanging from her head. I had no idea they made bags as big as the one she had on her shoulder; the bottom of it met the middle of her shin.  She marched into the office with a purpose.

“I’m gonna piss down my leg this very second if I don’t get to a toilet!” she yelled in what sounded like an English accent.

On her way to the bathroom she dropped her bag, belongings now scattered everywhere. She also left the smell of patchouli lingering in the air. Ten minutes later she zoomed out of the bathroom as fast as she came into the office.

“Man, oh, man! I sit to pee, and those beans just snuck up on me! Are you a vegan? You look like one – you’re too smart to eat meat, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Have you had a massage before?” I asked her, skipping over her question.

“Of course! In fact, I used to see that other therapist you work with, but I don’t ever want to see her again – rubbed me the wrong way! Let’s see if you make the cut, and if you do, I’ll be yours for life!” she boasted.

“Fantastic,” I said, trying hard to hold back tears. I couldn’t imagine this woman being the type of client anyone would look forward to.

 She followed me to the massage room, and as I tried to tell her how to prepare for the massage she kicked me out, claiming she knew the drill. As I walked away I told myself I would stay positive about my first experience on the job, but my personal pep talk didn’t last long. The door of her room opened, and unfortunately, I turned around. There she was, standing in front of me baring every inch of her naked, sagging body.

“What are you doing?!” I asked her, each word louder than the last.

“Those beans are back!” she screamed, then she turned around – fast – and made her way to the bathroom. Each step she took was accompanied by a musical toot, and as I stood and watched her move to her gassy symphony, I made a mental note never to run anywhere while completely naked. There were things shaking on her that no one should have to witness.

Twenty minutes later I finally had her on the table with only a few minutes left of the scheduled appointment time, and after informing her of this she begged me to go over into the next hour, promising to pay extra. I agreed because she was my only client that day and I was a newbie – I needed all the hours I could get. 

We were now into the second hour, and I began massaging her arm as she was lying on her stomach. I moved her arm away from her body and at the same time that I saw the harriest arm pit in the world, I smelled a combination of dirty human, and even more patchouli than when she first walked in. I looked up and started to take deep breaths in and out. I had a feeling she hadn’t taken a shower since 1973. I finished her arm and started on the other side of her back, and as soon as I did she spoke.

“Now, my bum has really been a hurtin’ on that side. Get in that cheek with your elbow, will ya? Ha! Get it? I’m gonna let you get cheeky!” she was quite amused at her little joke.

“Yeah, thanks for letting me, uh, get in there,” I said, wondering if she noted the lack of excitement in my voice.

Damn it. I knew all about the beans she had at lunch, and I did not want to go anywhere near her “bum”. She asked me again with more persistence after I pretended not to hear her the first time. She probably thought I was deaf as much as I ignored her comments. I had no choice – I was goin’ in. I moved toward her hip slowly, taking my time to get there, and as I inched closer she started rocking her body from left to right, bringing one side of her body off of the table, and then the other. I had no idea what she was doing so I stood up, crossed my arms and leaned against the wall to try to figure it out.

“What are you doing? I can’t keep my balance if you can’t keep still,” I said.

“What do you mean? I’m not doing a thing.” she replied.

“Just stop moving because I can’t work like that!” I was trying hard not to yell, but I was annoyed.

She said nothing, but stopped the rocking immediately after my mini outburst. I made my way down to her hip area, and as soon as I applied the first bit of pressure she passed gas right in my face. There was such an offensive smell that filled the room, but my client was anything but offended.

“See that?” she asked.

“No, but I heard it and I smell it,” I answered.

“You’re workin’ my digestive system. I love comin’ here after a meal because all of the-”

“Beans?,” I cut her off.

“Yes! How did you know?” she sounded ecstatic.

“Lucky guess.”

 Still lying on her stomach, it was time to massage her legs. When I lifted the sheet I did a double take because they were as hairy as my husband’s. I made sure to triple the amount of oil I usually used for smooth extremities, and after I thought I had enough I made the first stroke up toward her buttocks. I was expecting it to be a smooth, gliding stroke, but I was stopped short just before I got to the back of the knee. I created so much friction I thought for sure there would be a trail of smoke behind my now red, raw palms. I got more oil and tried again. Much better.

I was using proper body mechanics so my upper body was close to her legs as I worked, being careful not to bend at my waist. As I was working on her upper leg I must have hit a sensitive spot because all at once she yelped as her knee bent and her lower leg came toward me. She kicked me in my temple with the heel of her foot.

“What the hell lady?” I asked her, standing up and backing away.

“Oh! You hit a spot and my goodness! My reflexes sure are in check though!,” she answered me.

My head hurt, I was exhausted, and the last thing I wanted to do was touch her again. I told her the massage was over, and I explained I would meet her up front as I walked out of the room. She began to protest, but I didn’t wait around to hear anything else she had to say because I knew I might say something I’d regret. I went to the bathroom to wash the oily hair off and when I looked in the mirror I saw blood coming from the side of my head. Her feet must have been so callused they cut me! I cleaned up, grabbed my purse, and marched up to the check out desk to find my client waiting for me with her huge bag hanging from one shoulder. I had a feeling she was going to let me have it after walking out of the room so suddenly.

“You!” she shouted.

“I know, I know, I-“, I was cut off.

“That was the best massage I’ve ever had! I’d like to come back next week!” she exclaimed.

I decided right then that I would have rather been yelled at. I was so tired! This woman was like watching a two-year old, in fact, my daughter was two and she was better behaved! As I said before, I was new and I needed all the clients I could get so I really had no choice.

“When would you like to come back in?” I asked.


Five years later this client is still on my schedule. She acts the same way exact way today as she did when she came in for the first time. I always remember to take a Valium before I massage her or she ends up doing or saying something to upset me. I will admit, she has given me a lot to write about!


{August 3, 2010}   It’s Not All Bad

If you have followed me from the start you probably noticed I haven’t said one positive thing about being a massage therapist, but there has to be a bright side to the profession, right? I don’t know anyone who would put up with these people if there wasn’t something worthwhile about it.

As many strange, rude and disgusting people I have on my schedule that make my job miserable, it’s the kind and thoughtful people I see that make me want to come back. I met a woman named Candy almost three years ago, and when I think about her first massage I smile because I had no idea she would change my life forever. Her massage started just like everyone else’s, pleasantries exchanged, she told me some of her health history and where she was hurting, but then as I massaged her we began talking and I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation. She rescheduled for the following week, and I was so thankful I had another “good one” to look forward to.

I would not be writing my book if it weren’t for Candy. She has inspired me in so many ways, and one of the most important lessons she has taught me is to go after what you want until you get it. She is a writer as well, and she understands me on a level a lot of people don’t. I can go to her and talk to her about the frustrations of being a writer, but I can also share my triumphs with her because she is just as happy as I am when I experience the joys of writing. A friend who is truly happy for you and feels no jealousy towards you during the good times is hard to come by.  

Candy is such a wonderful mother of three amazing kids, one girl and two boys. I hope my kids stay on the path they are on now, but it’s so hard to tell exactly what lies in your children’s future. I know when I am worried or stressed about my kids, or if I am proud of something they accomplished, I can go right to Candy and tell her. She is always there to give me advice, celebrate with me when they have done a good job at school, or calm me down when I start to worry about them.

Without Candy, my family and I would not be as involved in our community. There has never been a Christmas that we didn’t donate toys, or a Thanksgiving we forgot to bring cans by a food bank, but Candy makes me want to do more than the minimum. I see how she has touched people’s lives through the non-profit she started, and I realized there is so much more I can be doing. Candy makes me want to be a better person, she makes me want to give more to those in need and love those who just need a shoulder to cry on or a helping hand to get through a hard time.

Without massage, I don’t know if Candy and I would have ever met. I believe every single person who has come into my life, has for a reason. Maybe the sole purpose that some of my clients have wound up on my table was to make my blog more enjoyable to write and even funnier to read, but for people who started out as clients and have become friends, you serve a greater purpose. You have made my life more enjoyable, you have made me a better person, and massage therapy a lot easier to handle.

{July 24, 2010}   Medusa

In my previous post I compared massage clients to a street walker’s “corner” because that is exactly how some massage therapists treat their clients. The first two years that I worked in the office I currently practice in, there was another massage therapist who practiced there as well. For my own safety we will call her Medusa since her hair was a pile of tight springy curls on top of her head. In fact, she not only practiced there, she was the massage manager and the one who hired me even though I had two months left in massage school.
While I finished school I worked in the chiropractic side, but in my free time learned the massage ropes. I thought this was the best thing that had ever happened to me, until I actually got my license and was able to start practicing.
Medusa went from being the sweet massage chick who was gracious enough to take a chance on the newbie, to hating every fiber of my being overnight. I couldn’t do anything right. I tried so hard to help her with anything she needed such as checking messages, changing her sheets, and doing the laundry. She saw it as taking over her practice.
One afternoon she came back from the gym and walked into the office we shared. I was on the phone, completely oblivious to the fact I needed to be very afraid of her and what she was about to do. Medusa walked right over, hung up my call, and grabbed the receiver out of my hand, slamming it down on the base.
“What the fuck are you doing?!?” she asked.
“I was talking to my-”
“You better make the right decision right now and NOT lie to me. I know you were talking to my client!” she screamed.
I didn’t say anything. She had a crazy look in her eye, and I knew whatever came out of my mouth would not be believed. I got up to walk past her, but that wasn’t the right thing to do either. Medusa blocked my path and I quickly tried to fake her out and pass around her other side.
“Sit down!!” she was screaming again.
I did what she told me to even though I could have picked her tiny troll self up and body slammed her into the wood floor. That image was stuck in my head – the idea was sounding better by the second.
“I know what you’re trying to do. I know you want everything I have and I’m not going to let you have it! You think you’re so awesome with your perfect little family, all of your education, blah, blah, blah!” she was now shaking as she yelled. I just kept listening.
“You will NOT touch that phone again – do you understand me? Are we clear?”
“Yeah, I don’t have to use your stupid phone,” I told her as I rolled my eyes. That was a big mistake. She lunged at me and put her hand over my mouth. I wanted to bite her so bad, but the way she was acting I was scared I might contract some disease that makes you go nuts.
“Don’t you EVER use that tone with me again. Do you understand me?”
I couldn’t talk because her nasty hand was still over my mouth so I just nodded my head.
“One more thing… If I even see you look at one of my clients, this is nothing compared to what I will do to you. Do you get me?” Medusa’s nostrils were flared and she was spitting as she talked.
At that moment the chiropractor walked in and Medusa released me from her hold and walked away like she was an innocent little angel. The rest of the day was normal, and I said nothing about what she did.
A week later there was a message on the phone that she and I “shared” in our office. I asked her if she could check it because it might be a client I was waiting for to call.
“You can check it, silly goose, it’s your phone too!” she said with a smile.
Good God, what have I gotten myself into??

Keep reading for more stories about crazy clients and the massage therapist I worked with!!

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{July 15, 2010}   I am Not a Hooker

Title says it folks, I’m not a hooker, but I think the majority of the people on my table think I am. Although most of you think I’m talking about men, women are just as guilty. Here’s an example:

This was screamed down the hall at me once as a woman left the room after the massage, getting dressed as she ran out the door “I left your money on the bed. You were great!”

That’s awesome lady, could you tell my pimp too while you’re at it? Maybe I’ll be able to keep 70% this time.

Example number 2 (for everyone who has only been reading my blog to see when the hell I was going to write about happy endings)

A man asked me just the other day if I could give him a “really good release.” I was hoping he didn’t mean what I thought he did, but being in this profession for almost five years, I knew exactly what he meant.

“No, I don’t do that,” I said.

“Oh, come on! I won’t tell anyone – I promise.”

Hmmmm, mister when you put it that way, it sounds like something I want to do now – yeah right! Now, here’s the speech I give all of them:

“No! I am not willing to risk my family, my license, or my job just so you can “feel better”. That’s what hookers are for!” They follow this up by saying “Come on, baby, no one will know. I won’t tell.” To which I reply “I will know, and the thought disgusts me – you disgust me. The massage is over and I will meet you up front to collect your payment.” As I walk out of the room I can hear them call me “bitch” or other mean names, but I don’t stop and turn around to defend myself. They are worthless, and it’s pointless to waste my breath.

Did you know that there are actually massage bootie calls? Yes, there are! All of my clients have my cell phone number. This faux pas happened when I was an eager beaver, wanted everyone’s business at any hour of the day. Be careful what you wish for. Now, I have a steady practice which consists of semi-average people (okay, who am I kidding? You’ve read what goes on in this place. They are weird!), and I have a schedule that is very consistent. It never fails though. My cell, which is positioned right by my head when I sleep, will ring or alert me that I have a text at 3am and it’s a client (most of the time half drunk) asking me for a massage. See, massage bootie calls. I just tell them they are drunk and stupid, and we will forget that it ever happened.

What’s even worse is massage therapists act like their clients, who could have been with them for years or just weeks, are the equivalent to street corners. Do not, I repeat do not, look at another therapists client! It’s exactly like standing on Kiki’s turf without permission. Your fellow therapist will do anything to keep that client, right down to spreading nasty rumors about you.

It’s funny to me that massage therapists ar portrayed as these flighty, pot smokin’ hippies who pick flowers all day, but I beg to differ. I always have to be on the look out for a man’s wondering eyes and hands, rude comments, and unthinkable requests. I have to remind people I work on them while they are lying on a table, not a bed, and I have to tell them not to talk about the fact I “see them naked on a weekly basis and make them feel so good” if they see me in public. I’ve gotten plenty of strange looks from people who overhear our conversation.

Oh, and as far as the other “hooker”, I mean therapist I worked with – I had to let her go. I was tired of fighting over corners.

I walked into what was a normal massage with a normal guy. As far as personality goes, he was alright, nothing to write home about, or in this case, write in my blog about. I started on the right side of his back absent mindedly, finished up, then went to the right side. Before I began, he spoke.

“I have the biggest pain in my shoulder-blade on this side. It would be great if you could work it out.”

“I’ll see what I can do, okay?”

I started massaging the right side, and I came across a knot that felt so weird I got close to his back so I could see better in my dark room. I got a good look at the knot alright, a better look than I could have ever wanted! It was a zit the size of a soccer ball, and it was ready to go. This zit looked like a bunch of small zits that formed one large super zit. You could say it was the perfect storm of zits. The white head on that thing needed to be popped, and I was not the person to do it. I became a massage therapist, not an aesthetician for a reason, and the reason being I don’t do zits. I know a lot of women who love to get into people’s skin and pick out the blackheads, pop the white heads, and clean those pores – I’m NOT one of them.

I decided to work around the obstacle blocking my work space, but of course, it wasn’t that easy. He spoke again.

“You know, it’s like you’re working around the spot that really hurts. Could you focus more toward the middle?”

Why do these things happen to me? “Sure, I’ll see what I can do.”

“Well, I don’t know what you have to really see about. Can’t you just go toward the middle? I don’t think it’s that hard.”

I was going to have to tell him. How did he not know he had a gigantic growth on his body? I know it was on his back, but he had to have at least a clue it was there.

“I don’t know if you know this or not, but you have a blemish right where you need me to massage you,” I explained. I thought using the word blemish would make it easier to tell him, and it actually did.

“Oh, uh, blemish? What do mean?” he asked.

“A zit, I’m talking about a zit.” Now I was losing my patience, and I could hear it in my tone.

“Oh, well, if it’s about to go, can you just pop it for me? I really want to stop hurting.”

“Popping zits isn’t in my scope of practice,” I explained.

“Scope a what?” he asked.

“It’s not what I do. I didn’t sign up to pop zits. I don’t even like to pop my own zits, much less someone elses.”

“Ok, well, can you massage it?”

“No, I can’t massage the huge white head on your back that could go at any moment. I will massage the rest of your back, but the zit is NOT happening!”

“Fine, whatever” he said, sounding disappointed.

I continued the massage, he huffed and puffed until it got old and went back to regular breaths. Then, the unthinkable happened. A little pus started to leak out, and immediately I could feel myself holding back vomit. I really don’t do pus or any other bodily fluids for that matter, and with that being said, I cut the massage.

“Alright, you’re all set! The girls will check you out up front, okay? Great!,” I said as I walked out of the room, not waiting around for a protest or a good-bye. I knew for a fact a “thank you” was out of the question.

So, for those of you who have asked me if I have to massage people who have zits, there’s your answer.

{June 28, 2010}   Used – Part One

I used to love the show “Strangers With Candy” that used to be on forever ago. I remember the lead saying a line that went a little something like “I was a user, a loser and an abuser”. This line from this show reminds me of some of my beloved clients who are such losers, users and abusers they make me want to run and hide when I see their names on my schedule. I believe some people have a face that just stands out and makes people think they can take them for all they’re worth, and unfortunately kids, I have that face. My personality matches my gorgeous face as well, and once people get to know me they learn that I’m a sucker. I know it sounds like I’m being very harsh with myself, but if you can’t be honest with yourself then who can you be honest with?

I am working on my weakness, learning that I don’t have to say yes to every single request that comes my way, but even when I say no, certain people simply won’t accept it. The example I’m going to give you this time around is a girl I could call many names, but I think I’m just going to stick with Material Girl. Material Girl is just that. She is the most materialistic girl I have ever met in my life, and she measures her happiness by how much stuff she has in her closet and how many vacations she takes in a year. Every massage, I walk into the room and she’s crying. I used to get suckered into asking her what was wrong, but I act like I don’t even hear her anymore because the answer is always “You have no idea what I’m going through. You don’t know what its like to be poor.” {sniffle, sniffle} “I know all of these people who get to go shopping and go on vacations, and it’s not fair.” {sniffle, sniffle}

Let me tell you right now that I do know what it’s like to be poor, and those times were some of the best times because life was so simple then. I worked a lot less, had more time for my family and friends, and my body didn’t ache from doing 17 massages a day. I have never been the type of person to measure my success and happiness in how much “stuff” was in my closet. Let me tell you something else, she doesn’t work and relies solely on her husband’s hard-earned income for her nails, hair, tan and gym membership. Now that I’ve painted a picture for you, let me tell you how she’s abused her privileges as my client.

I get paid per every massage I do. If a client doesn’t show up, I’m out money. If this happens a lot during the week, I’m out a lot of money. Well, people can schedule online which is so convenient, but inconsiderate people like Material Girl take advantage of this wonderful system and schedules herself three times a week which is great because it fills my schedule up. Theres just one problem though, she never shows up. That’s quite a bit of money out of my pocket, and it makes for a very cranky massage therapist. When I ask her why she does this she says “I don’t want other people to take the spots I want so I take them all before they can.” When I explain to her that she’s hurting my family by taking potential money away from me she says “well, that isn’t fair to me if I can’t have my spots. It’s not fair.” Seriously, I have no idea who the hell told this girl what the word fair meant, but I think she got the wrong definition.

The scheduling issue is just the tip of the iceberg. I almost named Material Girl the Texter because that’s what she does all of the time. I think she feels that if she does not meet a texting quota for the day, that all texting capabilities will cease to exist and she will be reduced to actually picking up the phone and talking to the person she is trying to reach. There have been days where I have received 22 texts from her in less than 24 hours, and these aren’t texts with a few words either. They are novellas filled with drama I do not give two flying flips about, but because I have massaged her she seems to think I now want to know everything about her life right down to when she took a healthy poo. Somewhere along the line I have been confused with being her friend, and maybe I would feel like I knew her a little better if she actually showed up to her appointments, but she doesn’t so I’m not her friend. I tried telling her this, but she reads and hears what she wants, so whatever I say makes no difference. She texted me more than ever after I told her we weren’t really on texting terms.

One unsuspecting day I walked into my massage room and she was crying as usual, and just like always, I ignored her pathetic little wimpers. I began the massage, still not saying a word, and then she asked me a question no one wants to be asked. “Um, could I just borrow a little money to get through this week? Like not much, but just to get through?” Ha! You would think she thought I was Donald Trump or something! I hoped she wasn’t counting on me to save the day because I wasn’t going to go there. I told her I never let anyone borrow money, and that it wasn’t personal, it’s just business. She said nothing else, and sniffled her way through the rest of the hour, probably in hopes of me giving into her pathetic cries.

The next time she came in there were no cries, no sniffles, and in fact she was happy. To keep with the massage trend I didn’t ask her how she was doing, but that was because I didn’t have to. She wouldn’t shut up! Blah, blah, blah, I got Botox. Blah, blah, blah, I got a purse. Well, I guess someone was stupid enough to give into her pleas and loaned her money. Who said money can’t buy you happiness?

{June 21, 2010}   Tinkle Tinkle Little Star

I think I’m pretty laid back when it comes to people and their behavior (I have to be in this line of work), but there are times when even I have to take a deep breath, curse so low my client can’t hear me, and just walk away before I haul off and hit them. There are so many types of people I deal with, it builds up my immunity to the weird, mean, gross and disgusting, but there are some times that all this immunity I have against the evil people makes no difference at all. They manage to get under my skin and annoy me so I never want to return to the office again, but sometimes they make me laugh so freakin’ hard I want to go back and see what happens the next day.

There’s this lady who really just rubs me the wrong way – ha, ha, ha. The way she moves, the way she talks, and what she says are just a few things that get under my skin. While lying on the table face down, she kicks her legs vigorously, her feet kicking so hard making the  most annoying sound over and over and over. There are times I almost scream “STOP KICKING YOUR LEGS, YOU JERK!!!” I haven’t done that yet, but God, I want to! She doesn’t stop talking from the time she walks in the office, never staying on one subject longer than a minute and a half. She tells me she has restless leg syndrome, but I want to ask her if she’s sure doesn’t have ADHD as well. All signs I see point to yes. Then, what she talks about I cannot write, but I will say this – it’s totally inappropriate for any age to read. She has the ability to offend any age, race, or gender, and she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She was not taught that words have such an impact on people’s feelings.

So, you now know that I am writing about a woman who kicks her legs non stop, talks just as much as she kicks, and she talks about subjects totally off limits. Oh yeah, she talks really loud. Like, really, really loud. I’m massaging this woman one sunny afternoon, she was talking and would just not shut up, and I was not listening to her like I had grown accustomed to doing. Blah, blah, blah. Rub, rub, rub. I shorted her five minutes because she started running her mouth, and kicking her legs like she was swimming an olympic size swimming pool. I told her I was done and that I would meet her up at the front. I exited the room quickly, and then met the chiropractor I work with out in the hall.

He and I were talking about what she wanted to talk about, what I allowed her to talk about, and what I blocked out. As he and I were laughing, all of a sudden the door to the room she was in flew open and there she was holding the garbage bag that used to be in my trash can. She walked up to me and handed the bag without saying a word.

“You don’t have to take the garbage out,” I told her.

“Oh yes I do, trust me,” she said.

“Why? What did you do?” I asked.

“I peed in it,” she admitted.

“What the hell is wrong with you? I have wondered that for quite a while, and now after you peed in my trash can, I think I have enough of a reason to ask,” I said.

“I just couldn’t make it to the bathroom, that’s all,” she said.

“No, that’s not all. You have a problem. You can’t control your legs, your language, and apparently, you can’t control your piss. You will take that out to the dumpster. I’ll show you where it is,” I told her.

What the f%*k is wrong with some people? I could not believe I was looking at a garbage bag full of pee pee. A) The bag was one of those thin kind, so at any moment it could give way with what was once in her bladder. B) Most women have bad aim, and if you’re a woman you know by the condition of public toilet seats. Most likely she dripped yellow liquid all over the bag, inside and out, and I was not touching it.

She walked the bag out to the dumpster and did not walk back into the office – that day. She came back and wanted more massage. I’m not good at saying no so there she was, kicking and screaming. The piss never came up in conversation again, and she never took a piss in my bag again either.

{May 26, 2010}   Breasticles

I don’t know what it is about my job, but it seems like every other woman I massage wants me to look at their breasts, feel their breasts or talk about their breasts. You would think it would only be the ones with fake boobs, but it’s not. Real, fake, big or small, it just doesn’t matter. I don’t know whether it’s a confidence issue, or if they are just so damn proud of their girls they want everyone to know how awesome they are.

Ive always heard guys say that more than and handful (or a mouthful if they are being dirty) is too much, and that makes sense to me. A boob is a boob is a boob, and I think guys like them no matter what. There was a time when I wanted bigger ones. From the age of 12 I prayed for boobs before I went to sleep every night in hopes I would wake up with a bigger chest, but as I met more and more women on my table that were obsessed with their mammary glands, the less I wanted to be well endowed in the northern regions.

I believe there is more to me than a set tits. Don’t get me wrong, if one day my prayers were answered, and I magically needed to go buy new, larger bras I wouldn’t be upset, but I’m not going to run out to my nearest plastic surgeon and hop on their table either. I don’t want to be like these surface women who become their breasts, whose lives revolve around them. I love being respected for being a great person, a wonderful mom, a caring wife, and a kind friend. By the way, the Gel Bra by Victoria’s Secret makes the previous statement a lot easier to write.

{May 13, 2010}   Wolfman Jack

I have many different types of people I massage, and I think it’s safe to say I have seen it, felt it, smelled it and listened to it all. A popular question I get is “Do you have to massage hairy people?”. I would love to be the sarcastic asshole I am and reply “No, I tell people with excessive body hair that they must get a wax job if they want a massage”, but I tell them instead that hairy people deserve massage just as much as the lucky hairless people do. Hair really does not bother me. It beats dirty people farting directly in my face.

One afternoon I looked at my schedule and realized I had a new client – fresh meat! What I did not realize was that this meat was the hairiest I’ve ever seen anywhere! This man was like Guinness World Record Hairy! Now when approaching initial contact with one who is challenged with revealing bare skin you must make sure you use enough oil because chances are likely you’ll be stopped short if you don’t. I made sure I had half the bottle of oil on my hands and ready to go. As I placed my hands on his back my hands disappeared!! They were in the forest of hair – hair that looked and felt like it belonged in the nether regions, not on someone’s back. For the first time in my life, I was thoroughly disgusted by a hairy client.

I had to text my husband and get this off my chest (my very silky smooth, hairless chest).I picked up my phone while keeping my other hand on Chewbaca to keep massaging (it was more like twisting his long locks around my fingers). I couldn’t see the letters on my phone’s keyboard because of all the hair that transferred to my hands was now on my phone just by picking it up – it was a hairy, oily mess that my precious iPhone did not deserve. I went to put my phone down, and as my hand and arm were in the light I could clearly see I was turning into a werewolf. I was covered in my client’s fur, and I decided to act fast. I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

The way my hands and arms looked, I decided it was because of one of two possibilities. The first of these being he was actually a werewolf and just by touching him I could be changed into one as well, or he secretly replaced my massage oil with Nair in order to get rid of his full body suit. Knowing I had to go back and touch him again, I still washed the mess off anyway thinking that washing all of it off at the same time would clog the drain. As I dehaired myself, I thought there was no way this man had a girlfriend. There isn’t a woman out there that would put up with this much hair! I can only imagine how many times he has to sweep and vacuum a day, I mean, he’s like my parents German Shepard in the summer that sheds every other minute.

I walked back in the room and quickly got back to work, trying hard not to think about the hair that was making its way back onto my body. I looked at the clock and realized the hour was almost over and I could hop in the shower because at this point I felt like I had his body locks growing not just on my arms, but every square inch of me. As I rubbed up and down the length of his back, I could hear the sound of the friction against the hair fibers – I couldn’t take much more.

Finally! I was done! I quickly told him one of the receptionists would check him out and I made a beeline for the shower, at times like these I was thankful I had the option to take one, but it could be depressing knowing I had to touch the funky, hairy and dirty people of society for a living. As I stood under the water, I watched as his hair went down the drain. Good riddance, Wolfman Jack!

{April 18, 2010}   Denture Adventure

Remember my dear, sweet and forgetful lady? Well, she had to get to the office somehow, right? There’s no way a woman who has Alzheimer’s just appears on a massage table one fine and uneventful afternoon. My woman was driven by her husband, and after we got dear, sweet Miss Don’t Know My Name situated, it was her husband’s turn.

Fortunately, he knew his name, address, and age. Plus, he knew I wasn’t a stranger that intended to have my way with him. I thought the hour would be uneventful, especially just having his wife, who barely knew her own name, on my table.

Trust me, never assume!

I walked in the room, said hello, and began massaging the adorable, little fellow. I was relieved he didn’t talk because I was sure he couldn’t hear that well anyway. About five minutes into his session, I heard a click, click, slurp sound that I ignored. But then, I heard it again, and again, and again. I acted like I couldn’t hear the strange sound, but it seemed to be getting louder.

The next thing I knew I felt a fat slimy lizard with HUGE teeth crawl across my foot! I kicked it across the room, and as the toothy monster slid along the floor, I realized it was my old guys dentures. I don’t know if it would have been better for it to have been the lizard or not.

“I think I lost my teeth”, he said. “Could you get them for me?”

“Sure, uh, no problem.”

Oh Lord! Can I pick up your teeth? I really didn’t know if I had it in me. Mouths are so gross, and these teeth spent most of their life in a mouth. A really old mouth. I knew I had to do it so I grabbed the box of tissues meant for people’s noses, and took about fifty out to protect my hand. I approached the chewing apparatus, closed my eyes, and scooped it up quickly without looking at it. Dentures have always grossed me out to the point I feel sick when I even think about them. With my luck, I’ll be the first one in my circle of friends to need them.

I wrapped them up tightly, and placed them on the shelf. As soon as I began massaging him again, I heard another noise, but this time it was my old man snoring. I guess he was really able to relax now that he didn’t have to worry about his teeth falling out.

{April 4, 2010}   A Massage To Remember

Often times I am asked if I am ever tempted to walk out during the middle of a massage once my client is fast asleep, and while I have been tempted more than 50% of my career, I refrain and continue the massage as if I was just as content in my dark and boring room as my sleeping client. If I were to leave with a guarantee there would be no waking up from Sleeping Beauty then why would any massage therapist consider staying in the room in that situation? They wouldn’t. This scenario actually taking place is almost impossible because it seems that people are only in a twilight sleep, and as soon as the person is not being touched they would wake up, realize they are getting screwed out of a massage, and would storm out f the room in a fit of anger. With my luck, they would forget to put on their clothes as their nude body was jiggling in places no one should have to see.  

Well, the other day something hilarious happened. “You had something funny happen in massage?”, you ask.  Yes, it’s hard to believe, but I did. I was sitting in my office hanging out with my husband and kids, and I get a call from the front desk informing me that I would soon be left alone with the intern that knows how to do next to nothing and I would have to bring my next clients back myself. Then she added, “They’re old.” Before I could protest, she hung up and I heard the staff minus the intern leave the office.

I know what you must be thinking. “What’s so bad about old people, Kendall?” Well, I’m not talking about the people who can perform activities such as getting on the table, dressing themselves, and going poo – that kind of thing. Really, if a child isn’t potty trained, this statement would include them as well. As of now, my children can wipe their own asses, my husband is self-sufficient, and my parents and in-laws are young, spry, and can fully function on their own. I am uncomfortable around people who can’t tell me when they have to use the bathroom, who don’t know their names, who could fall off the table at any time, and basically make me work any harder than what I already do while I give the massage.  I am not a baby sitter. I am an educated practitioner, and my primary reason for going to school was to avoid doing the work of a nursing assistant. It is what it is, and you can think of me what you will because I don’t care. If I were writing this to make everyone happy there would be no point.

I walked to the lobby and there sat the couple that looked to be in their nineties. They were both cute enough with their matching mustaches, and as I approached them they looked up and stared at me with squinted eyes.

“Who is up first?” I screamed. They said nothing, and kept staring. Shit, this wasn’t good. I could already tell this wasn’t going to go my way. I rescreamed the question as I walked closer to them.

“She is”, the man coughed out. His teeth came loose, but he promptly got them back in without the use of his hands like he was doing a senior center party trick.

The woman stood, handed her purse to her husband but he grunted and shoved it back at her. Hmmm, so men never agree to carry the purse. I always kind of thought they gave in after a certain age. I offered to take it from her, and she not only handed me that but she took off her jacket. I took that too, but then she made the motion indicating she was about to take off her shirt.

“NO!” I commanded. She refrained, and began her shuffle walk down the hall following me to the room. Once there I showed her exactly what to do by pretending to take off my clothes (don’t get any ideas guys – it was so not sexy). I actually climbed on the table as she stood swaying in the corner, not even paying attention. After getting somewhat of a confirmation she understood, I left her to get ready while I said goodbye to my family who were patiently waiting for me.

While I was in my office with them, I heard the door open. I peeked around the corner just in time to see her naked. Crap!

“Was I supposed to take all of my clothes off?” she huffed the question.

“YES! I’ll be in in a minute – go lay down!” I screamed as I tried to motion lying face down while I was standing up. Don’t try that, by the way.

I got my children out of the office before their virgin eyes weren’t so virgin anymore. I walked into the room, and my new best friend was still standing there naked. I guess trying to explain what “face down” looks like while I was standing wasn’t so helpful. I got her up there finally, but she just didn’t get it. I began the massage as best as I could, and after five minutes she propped herself up and said she wanted to take her hearing aid off.

“It’s not working anyway”, I told her. No response. I was right. I placed it on the shelf and continued on.

Five more minutes passed and she simply yelled “OFF!”. I jumped back quickly.

“Is it ova? Are you done?” she inquired.

I decided to have her roll over, but that was a huge mistake I will never fully recover from. Let me ask you. Did you know that boobies really do eventually rest on the top of the thigh when sitting upright? I did not know this. I thought it was a funny joke that card series from Hallmark makes with their character “Maxine”. This is no laughing matter, and I will never buy one of those cards for someone again. I have seen this phenomenon, and I am actively trying to prevent this from happening to myself and loved ones.

She was now successfully lying on her back – almost. It looked like she was going to fall off any minute, but I was in the home stretch and I wasn’t turning back now, or so I thought.

“You know I need a pillow when I’m lying on my back!!” she coughed out. Damn it! I left to get a flipping pillow. I was gone for a millisecond, and when I turned back around she had quickly shuffled up behind me so her naked body was too close for comfort.

I got her back up AGAIN, and finished the massage. I cut her time because she was now relieving herself of gas in both ways. My room smelled, and I had enough of the up and down and rolling over. She told me that the massage was wonderful, and after playing charades to show her what to do next, I left the room.

I cringed when I heard the door open because I thought I would see the nakedness again, but she was clothed. I shuffled her down to the bathroom, and walked to my office to find a Valium. I couldn’t believe what I heard next.

“I’m here for my massage.” It was Princess Saggy Bosoms, and she didn’t remember the massage that I would never forget.

My receptionist left her, and I met her in the hall with her answer before she even had to ask.

“Yes, she did have her massage already. Please make sure you walk her to her husband.”

I couldn’t friggin’ believe that the one time I could have left, I didn’t.

et cetera