Kendallkasey's Blog

{March 22, 2010}   That wasn’t what I thought it was, was it?

It’s 7am, I’m barely awake and annoyed to be back in my massage room so soon after leaving at midnight the night before. My client is already asleep, and I was nodding off as the music and low lighting was sending me into dreamland. Just then I heard a noise that reminded me of air being let out of a bicycle tire, but it quickly stopped, and I was right back to nodding off. Not sure of how much time had passed, I woke up to what sounded like a BB gun firing a few quick rounds, but unlike the air being let out of the tire, this gunshot sound was accompanied by a smell like no other. I just knew if I took in too much of this horrid odor I could die, and I had too much to do for that nonsense.

I decided to ask what it was I thought was going to kill me, but before I asked, I practiced inquiring in the most courteous manner possible. What came out was far from courteous, in fact, I was so rude.

“Did you fart?” I fired the question at her like the BB gun I thought I just heard.

She snorted herself awake, then I thought she snorted some more, but that was just how she breathed. “What did you say? Did you ask me if I farted? I don’t know why I would be doing that, I mean, the only thing I ate last night was chili,” she answered before I heard another snore/fart combo.

I have massaged people who have had intestinal problems such as the one I dealt with at this appointment, but they all excused themselves or even cancelled hours before they were supposed to see me. This wonderful woman basically told me my nostrils meant nothing to her, and continued to pass her disgusting gas for the duration of the massage. I am not one of those therapists that tries to cut people short of their time, but I had to. I could not breathe, and I seriously thought I was going to pass out on top of her.

Once out of the room and in clean air again I swear I could think more clearly about my next move, but before I could do this she dressed in record time and was farting her way down the hall to our nearest bathroom. I didn’t see her again that day which was fine because I have no idea if I would have the ability to make eye contact with someone who had capabilities to clear a room that quickly.

It’s fine when it’s just one and they’re done, but almost an hour of that in my face was just too much. She never excused herself, apologized – nothing, and the next appointment she acted as if nothing happened. The “incident” was never mentioned again.

My name is Kendall, and I’m a massage therapist. I’ve decided to write a memoir on my first three crazy years as a massage therapist, but before the book comes out my goal is to entertain and entice you with a blog about my typical day to day experiences.

This entry is to all of you who have ever asked me or any other massage therapist, “Do people fart in their massages?”
Obviously, the answer is yes, yes they do!


Emily says:

This is great. And they do it far too often. Keep ’em coming!

Thanks Em! Yes, yes they do, and it’s not fun being on the receiving end of those toots. Next entry – Moan and Groan!
Love always,
Kendall Kasey

A says:

Can’t wait to see what other stories you have.

Tina says:

Oh my Jesus! I loved this story and I am excited about this blog! I have always wondered what happens to people when they get a massage and now I am going to know! Keep ’em coming! Looking forward to reading your memoir! You’re awesome!

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