Kendallkasey's Blog

{April 4, 2010}   A Massage To Remember

Often times I am asked if I am ever tempted to walk out during the middle of a massage once my client is fast asleep, and while I have been tempted more than 50% of my career, I refrain and continue the massage as if I was just as content in my dark and boring room as my sleeping client. If I were to leave with a guarantee there would be no waking up from Sleeping Beauty then why would any massage therapist consider staying in the room in that situation? They wouldn’t. This scenario actually taking place is almost impossible because it seems that people are only in a twilight sleep, and as soon as the person is not being touched they would wake up, realize they are getting screwed out of a massage, and would storm out f the room in a fit of anger. With my luck, they would forget to put on their clothes as their nude body was jiggling in places no one should have to see.  

Well, the other day something hilarious happened. “You had something funny happen in massage?”, you ask.  Yes, it’s hard to believe, but I did. I was sitting in my office hanging out with my husband and kids, and I get a call from the front desk informing me that I would soon be left alone with the intern that knows how to do next to nothing and I would have to bring my next clients back myself. Then she added, “They’re old.” Before I could protest, she hung up and I heard the staff minus the intern leave the office.

I know what you must be thinking. “What’s so bad about old people, Kendall?” Well, I’m not talking about the people who can perform activities such as getting on the table, dressing themselves, and going poo – that kind of thing. Really, if a child isn’t potty trained, this statement would include them as well. As of now, my children can wipe their own asses, my husband is self-sufficient, and my parents and in-laws are young, spry, and can fully function on their own. I am uncomfortable around people who can’t tell me when they have to use the bathroom, who don’t know their names, who could fall off the table at any time, and basically make me work any harder than what I already do while I give the massage.  I am not a baby sitter. I am an educated practitioner, and my primary reason for going to school was to avoid doing the work of a nursing assistant. It is what it is, and you can think of me what you will because I don’t care. If I were writing this to make everyone happy there would be no point.

I walked to the lobby and there sat the couple that looked to be in their nineties. They were both cute enough with their matching mustaches, and as I approached them they looked up and stared at me with squinted eyes.

“Who is up first?” I screamed. They said nothing, and kept staring. Shit, this wasn’t good. I could already tell this wasn’t going to go my way. I rescreamed the question as I walked closer to them.

“She is”, the man coughed out. His teeth came loose, but he promptly got them back in without the use of his hands like he was doing a senior center party trick.

The woman stood, handed her purse to her husband but he grunted and shoved it back at her. Hmmm, so men never agree to carry the purse. I always kind of thought they gave in after a certain age. I offered to take it from her, and she not only handed me that but she took off her jacket. I took that too, but then she made the motion indicating she was about to take off her shirt.

“NO!” I commanded. She refrained, and began her shuffle walk down the hall following me to the room. Once there I showed her exactly what to do by pretending to take off my clothes (don’t get any ideas guys – it was so not sexy). I actually climbed on the table as she stood swaying in the corner, not even paying attention. After getting somewhat of a confirmation she understood, I left her to get ready while I said goodbye to my family who were patiently waiting for me.

While I was in my office with them, I heard the door open. I peeked around the corner just in time to see her naked. Crap!

“Was I supposed to take all of my clothes off?” she huffed the question.

“YES! I’ll be in in a minute – go lay down!” I screamed as I tried to motion lying face down while I was standing up. Don’t try that, by the way.

I got my children out of the office before their virgin eyes weren’t so virgin anymore. I walked into the room, and my new best friend was still standing there naked. I guess trying to explain what “face down” looks like while I was standing wasn’t so helpful. I got her up there finally, but she just didn’t get it. I began the massage as best as I could, and after five minutes she propped herself up and said she wanted to take her hearing aid off.

“It’s not working anyway”, I told her. No response. I was right. I placed it on the shelf and continued on.

Five more minutes passed and she simply yelled “OFF!”. I jumped back quickly.

“Is it ova? Are you done?” she inquired.

I decided to have her roll over, but that was a huge mistake I will never fully recover from. Let me ask you. Did you know that boobies really do eventually rest on the top of the thigh when sitting upright? I did not know this. I thought it was a funny joke that card series from Hallmark makes with their character “Maxine”. This is no laughing matter, and I will never buy one of those cards for someone again. I have seen this phenomenon, and I am actively trying to prevent this from happening to myself and loved ones.

She was now successfully lying on her back – almost. It looked like she was going to fall off any minute, but I was in the home stretch and I wasn’t turning back now, or so I thought.

“You know I need a pillow when I’m lying on my back!!” she coughed out. Damn it! I left to get a flipping pillow. I was gone for a millisecond, and when I turned back around she had quickly shuffled up behind me so her naked body was too close for comfort.

I got her back up AGAIN, and finished the massage. I cut her time because she was now relieving herself of gas in both ways. My room smelled, and I had enough of the up and down and rolling over. She told me that the massage was wonderful, and after playing charades to show her what to do next, I left the room.

I cringed when I heard the door open because I thought I would see the nakedness again, but she was clothed. I shuffled her down to the bathroom, and walked to my office to find a Valium. I couldn’t believe what I heard next.

“I’m here for my massage.” It was Princess Saggy Bosoms, and she didn’t remember the massage that I would never forget.

My receptionist left her, and I met her in the hall with her answer before she even had to ask.

“Yes, she did have her massage already. Please make sure you walk her to her husband.”

I couldn’t friggin’ believe that the one time I could have left, I didn’t.


KT says:

OMG! Kendall! I am loving your stories!! To funny!! Thanks for sharing and I can’t wait for your book!

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