Kendallkasey's Blog

{May 13, 2010}   Wolfman Jack

I have many different types of people I massage, and I think it’s safe to say I have seen it, felt it, smelled it and listened to it all. A popular question I get is “Do you have to massage hairy people?”. I would love to be the sarcastic asshole I am and reply “No, I tell people with excessive body hair that they must get a wax job if they want a massage”, but I tell them instead that hairy people deserve massage just as much as the lucky hairless people do. Hair really does not bother me. It beats dirty people farting directly in my face.

One afternoon I looked at my schedule and realized I had a new client – fresh meat! What I did not realize was that this meat was the hairiest I’ve ever seen anywhere! This man was like Guinness World Record Hairy! Now when approaching initial contact with one who is challenged with revealing bare skin you must make sure you use enough oil because chances are likely you’ll be stopped short if you don’t. I made sure I had half the bottle of oil on my hands and ready to go. As I placed my hands on his back my hands disappeared!! They were in the forest of hair – hair that looked and felt like it belonged in the nether regions, not on someone’s back. For the first time in my life, I was thoroughly disgusted by a hairy client.

I had to text my husband and get this off my chest (my very silky smooth, hairless chest).I picked up my phone while keeping my other hand on Chewbaca to keep massaging (it was more like twisting his long locks around my fingers). I couldn’t see the letters on my phone’s keyboard because of all the hair that transferred to my hands was now on my phone just by picking it up – it was a hairy, oily mess that my precious iPhone did not deserve. I went to put my phone down, and as my hand and arm were in the light I could clearly see I was turning into a werewolf. I was covered in my client’s fur, and I decided to act fast. I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

The way my hands and arms looked, I decided it was because of one of two possibilities. The first of these being he was actually a werewolf and just by touching him I could be changed into one as well, or he secretly replaced my massage oil with Nair in order to get rid of his full body suit. Knowing I had to go back and touch him again, I still washed the mess off anyway thinking that washing all of it off at the same time would clog the drain. As I dehaired myself, I thought there was no way this man had a girlfriend. There isn’t a woman out there that would put up with this much hair! I can only imagine how many times he has to sweep and vacuum a day, I mean, he’s like my parents German Shepard in the summer that sheds every other minute.

I walked back in the room and quickly got back to work, trying hard not to think about the hair that was making its way back onto my body. I looked at the clock and realized the hour was almost over and I could hop in the shower because at this point I felt like I had his body locks growing not just on my arms, but every square inch of me. As I rubbed up and down the length of his back, I could hear the sound of the friction against the hair fibers – I couldn’t take much more.

Finally! I was done! I quickly told him one of the receptionists would check him out and I made a beeline for the shower, at times like these I was thankful I had the option to take one, but it could be depressing knowing I had to touch the funky, hairy and dirty people of society for a living. As I stood under the water, I watched as his hair went down the drain. Good riddance, Wolfman Jack!


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